10 Questions For... Matthew Rowe

September 30, 2013

Usually when I write a bio to lead into one of my "10 Questions for..." interviews, I'll request some info from the interview subject, while doing my own research to round things out. Well, Matthew Rowe is an interesting bird, so I've decided to let him tell you about himself in his own words:

Matthew Rowe is a recently three-dimensional philosopher of space-time with an unhealthy habit of showing strangers his pussy(cat) on the Internet. He likes innuendo, leading people astray and cookies. When he’s not condemning souls to hell for all eternity he enjoys shouting at small children and defending Earth from extremely polite extraterrestrial threats. He escaped from the UK and hid amongst the terrible disasters of Japan, on March 11, 2011, where he feels relatively safe. He hopes mankind can invent cyborg parts before his arms drop off. Behold his glory, puny mortals!

He's also the author of the novel Better off Dead and the short story collection Not All of Them About Zombies. So, without further ado, here are 10 questions for Matthew Rowe...

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1. What would you like readers to know about Better Off Dead?

It’s an antidote to a plague that only got worse while I was making it. It’s also cheap and awesome. You’ll never read another book like it. It’s a motivational guidebook for the slacker generation. It’s an intellectual exploration of how much pressure it takes for a man’s head to pop. It explains why penguins can’t fly. It solves world hunger. It also would make an awesome movie.

2. What drove you to write Better Off Dead?

Vampires. We were on our way to this party, but the dude hosting it got staked by a slayer so we all had to scarper. I was left with an evening of naff all to do, so I wrote a book. That night. A whole book. That's a lie. It was vampires though. I got bored of them always being portrayed as either mindless monsters or lost lonely souls gothing up the place with their emo feelings and scented candles, and this was before sparkling vampires came along! Oh Satan! My book is about vampires who enjoy having superpowers and being free of the mortal coil. Of course, they still have their problems, otherwise I wouldn’t have a book, but if they think, “Hey, you know what would be really cool? Jumping off this building, landing on my face and eating the paramedic that comes along to save me. That would be pretty cool,” they do it, because they can. They don’t write poems about their woman who drowned two hundred years ago while trying to wipe tears with a handkerchief at the thought of a sad kitten and they absolutely do not sparkle. Ever.

3. What would you like readers to know about your short story collection Not All of Them About Zombies?

It's not what you expect. If there is only one thing people will ever say about my work (apart from, “Urgh! What is this shit?”) it’ll be that I play with expectations. The title is not a lie, but it implies a certain something, and each of the stories within plays with your expectations of the main concept. If anyone ever predicts the endings of my stories I’ll buy them a Ferrari…cake.

4. Who are some writers that have affected your storytelling sensibilities?

Douglas Adams taught me straight away that writing should be fun. Is there a single moment in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy where immense amounts of fun are not being had? I don’t think so. I think that was the first grown up’s novel that I read. I then migrated to Pratchett’s Discworld and learned that stories could be a complex observation of human culture, and I liked watching humans because I was a shy child. I think they shaped upwards of 80% of my sensibilities, those writers. I don’t really write comedy though. I just can’t imagine life without some laughs.

5. What methods and strategies have you employed in order to promote both yourself as an author, as well Better Off Dead?

I’ve done a lot of different things, but, judging by my bank account, none of them have been successful. I love the writing, I really do, but a writer has to be his own marketing agent nowadays and I am terrible at that – I don’t understand people at all. They behave nothing like characters. However, I’ve got the Twitter account, I’ve got the blog (even though I have struggled with deciding exactly what to do with it, much like a cat might approach an electronic mouse), I did some readings on YouTube, I got features in the local paper and interviewed on the radio. I really don’t know how to do it well though, so don’t go asking me for advice. One thing I am loving recently though is Vine, an app from Twitter where you post six seconds of looping video. I've been experimenting with ways that a writer can use such a thing.

6. Writing a book is such a complex exercise that I imagine no two authors do it exactly the same. Can you summarize your process for me?

Generally, it normally starts while I am watching a movie or something on TV. A plot device or character goes in a completely different direction to what I want him to and so I reach into the TV, pull out the screenwriter and shake him yelling “No! It would have been so much better if you did it like this!” And I keep doing that until he agrees to let me rewrite it for him and all the women love me and all the dogs have fat little puppies and the universe is blissful again. In other words, I usually see some cliche that triggers a "what if" question in my head-mush and I write it down. Usually, it's a character trait or a plot twist. I then brainstorm about what kind of message I can give. This is normally clear as I want to stand against the cliche that annoyed me in the first place, but sometimes deeper messages develop and the story flows from that.

I’ll then make a character for it, asking "Why are they how they are?" and building the world up around this central, initial, unchangeable idea until I have a whole backstory and story arc for them. Then I build up supporting characters as needed and usually these characters change the main plot a little, so I tweak. The tweaking continues as I write, which can happen from any time really, but normally I have a whole novel outline done before I get 10,000 words into the novel. During the actual writing I’ll separate it into chapters – even if I eventually decide the book doesn’t need chapters later – and I choose where I want my characters to be at the start and end of each chapter. Then I just write until I get to that point each time. Also, I go back and edit previous chapters whenever I need more time to think about the current section. So usually I have a very polished beginning, but the end of the novel is usually much rougher! It gets polished eventually.

7. Has living and teaching English in Japan affected your writing?

I’ve not been influenced by the culture, by being an outsider in a strange land, nor do I have to get out all my angst from being stared at by homogeneous peoples by furiously banging at a keyboard. I’ve actually been motivated by my students. I work in public schools, so most students don’t give a flying simian about English. However, a lot of them have been impressed by the fact that I write novels and stories.

Many of them, especially those who like English, and who I adore because obviously they are superior people, have expressed a desire to read my work. In that respect, I’ve felt bad because my novel is so full of slang and my own twisted ways of speaking that non-native speakers would struggle to find any meaning. Plus some of the short stories are a little adult. I don’t mean a dwarf. I mean, I’m not shy about swearing and my birds do my bees all over the page…occasionally. So, they have motivated me to write something they can read and enjoy, but more generally, seeing how hard some of them try with English makes me feel guilty for being so lazy with my writing. I really want to make stories that my students would be proud to say “my teacher wrote this” without the awkward "… but don’t look at page 52."

8. Where do you see your writing career five years from now?

I think in five years I might have two or even three new novels out, another compilation of shorts and I might even have earned enough in sales to pass Amazon’s limit to actually transfer earnings to my bank account. On that day, I shall buy a new bookcase with my earnings, and then lament at the waste of money as I will only have ebooks and my iPad/Kindle will look pretty lonely there on its own. I’ll have a writing career, but I won’t be successful, because I can’t market myself. Such a thing is as foreign to me as driving a taxi is to a newt with General Anxiety Disorder. I’ll be happy though, because I’ll be writing.

9. What are you currently working on?

I’m just perfecting that ending on my SF comedy No Technobabble Please, We’re Earthlings! which has proved to be as troublesome as Justin Beiber’s singing career is to my eardrums. I hope to get that published first thing next year. I’m also in the late planning, early first draft stages of my next novel, The Damsel. It’s a reverse of the usual "Chosen One" stories. So its a "Bugger off, we didn't want you" story, I suppose. I think its a world first in that respect. When a world of superpowered citizens cries out for a hero, the only normal girl puts on a mask.

10. What advice would you give to an aspiring author who hopes to see their work published one day?

Just do it (sponsored by Nike). You’ve got no excuses anymore. Anyone can publish anything, and it's not damaging to your career if you don’t go the traditional publishing route. That I wouldn’t recommend anyway. I wasted eight years chasing a publishing contract when I should have jumped on the self-publishing wagon as soon as it emerged from its stable like a terrified lamb. What is harmful to your career is if you publish something before it is ready. Make sure your work is the best it can be before you send it out into the world. It’s not like your child. It’s not going to eat all the snack food, get fat, make your basement smell bad and have you labelled as a terrible person by all society if you don’t get it out of your house by a certain age. Write it, edit it, edit it again, edit it some more and then pay some professional people to keep editing it until you are crying from all the pages you’ve had to lose (or whatever best serves the story). I may or may not have made such a mistake in the past. Stop judging me!

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If you’d like to learn more about Matthew Rowe and his work, you can check out his website, Matt Cannot Write. You can also check him out on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.

15 Random Celebrity Novels: PART THREE

September 10, 2013

PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE

Synopsis:

Dancer Carin Bradley, after more than a decade of rigorous ballet training, arrives in New York naively expectant and totally unprepared for the fiercely competitive auditions, the backbreaking rehearsals, and the terror of Broadway opening nights.

15 Random Celebrity Novels: PART TWO

August 22, 2013

PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE

Synopsis:

Tommy O'Malley, a tough New York detective who has his own ideas about how to keep the streets clean, is investigating a string of murders against the major players of Global News Network (GNN) and miscellaneous others involved in the television news industry. His work—and life—is complicated by the persistence of a charming young reporter named Ashley Van Buren. O'Malley looks like a terrific source to her, and he has to admit she looks pretty good herself.

15 Random Celebrity Novels: PART ONE

August 5, 2013

PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE

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It's a common practice for celebrities to write autobiographies, memoirs, cookbooks, and most any other form of non-fiction prose, but rare is the celebrity who tries their hand at writing a work of fiction (and, no, lying about their age doesn't count— though it probably should). Such celebrities get their novels published primarily on account of their name recognition, which, considering how difficult it is to sell books these days, is completely understandable.

So, let it be known: I have no qualms with any publisher trying to cash in on a celebrity who has written (or "written") a novel. That said, I've compiled a list of random celebrity novels, which I present to you in no particular order, as I haven't actually read any of them.

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1. A Shore Thing (2011)

by Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Bio:

Kim, Khloé, and Kourtney Kardashian are American reality television personalities.

Synopsis:

Nothing is more important than family. Just ask Kamille, Kassidy, and Kyle Romero, three beautiful, loving, deeply loyal sisters. Their mother has remarried and their new stepfather, a world-famous all-star baseball player, has come complete with two stepsiblings. Life in L.A. is pretty typical for this newly blended clan. Then everything changes overnight when one sister becomes magazine-cover, fashion-icon, headline-making famous. Suddenly, new issues are complicating their lives: jealousy, backstabbing friends, fix-ups, plastic surgery, and paparazzi run-ins—not to mention a televised wedding, crazy nightclub parties, forbidden step-sibling attraction, and a huge secret that threatens to break even their tightest family bonds.

10 Movies That Weren't Adapted From Novels: PART TWO

July 12, 2013

PART ONE | PART TWO

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I'm big fan of films adapted from novels. A few of my very favorites are Let the Right One In (based on the novel by John Ajvide Lindqvist), Wonder Boys (based on the novel by Michael Chabon), The Ice Storm (based on the novel by Rick Moody), and Thank You For Smoking (based on the novel by Christopher Buckley).

When a great film is adapted from a great novel, it means I get to enjoy the story in my two very favorite storytelling mediums. It also means I get to see the author's original intent in comparison to the filmmaker's vision of that intent. I'm not sure if that sounds like fun to anyone else, but, for me, there are few things I enjoy more. But, sometimes a film has such a literary feel to it, I'm fooled into believing it was adapted from a novel.

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6. Boogie Nights (1997)

I'm pretty well convinced that Paul Thomas Anderson is a novelist disguised as a filmmaker. Boogie Nights is the deceptively literary tale of Dirk Diggler, a young man with an intolerably tough relationship with his mother, who, consequently, finds a new family in the porn industry. It's something of a coming-of-age story, not unlike The Catcher in the Rye, if Holden Caulfield was packing twelve inches. Dirk Diggler's life in porn—from the glowing success of the early years to the painfully dark period of the final years—is so textured and authentic, I can hardly believe it didn't first exist on the pages of a brilliant novel.

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7. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

Charlie Kaufman is arguably the most talented and original screenwriter in Hollywood, as evidecned by the fact he is the only person to appear on PART ONE and PART TWO of this list. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a love story told in reverse, involving an inventive sci-fi element that allows people to erase the memory of someone they loved from their minds. When Joel Barish finds out his ex-girlfriend, Clementine Kruczynski, has had him erased from her memory, he decides to seek revenge by doing the same thing, but in losing her he realizes how desperate he is not to forget her. It's got the sort of layers and complexities that are almsot always the exclusive terrain of great literature; and it's director—the imaginative and innovative Michel Gondry—weaves it together like a masterful author.

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8. Se7en (1995)

David Fincher, one of the most succesful directors in Hollywood has adapated several movies from literature, including The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and Fight Club. So, it's ironic that Se7en, the one movie on his résumé with the most literary flair, was not adapted from a novel. On the surface, it's a relatively simple story about a rookie detective named David Mills who is transitioning into the position of retiring detective William Somerset. In the midst of their professional transition, they work together to hunt down a serial killer who murders his victims in accordance with the seven deadly sins. The film unfolds like a gritty detective noir novel that I desperately wish existed.

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9. (500) Days of Summer (2009)

(500) Days of Summer is a delightful film that tells the story of Tom Hansen, a young man doomed to love a sweet gal named Summer who—through no real fault of her own—is incapable of ever truly loving him back. The story, told in the sort of nonlinear fashion that is more commonly reserved for literature, jumps about their 500 day relationship, juxtaposing the good times against the bad. The story reverses the cultural stereotypes of men and women, as Tom wants hopelessly to fall in love and be in a relationship, while Summer is aloof and non-committal. Despite knowing before the first scene begins that Tom and Summer will not work out in the end, the movie still manages to seduce you into believing they will live happily ever after.

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10. The Big Lebowski (1998)

Despite Joel and Ethan Coen's affinity for film adaptations (i.e. No Country for Old Men, True Grit, and O Brother, Where Art Thou) their most literary film, The Big Lebowski, was not an adaptation at all. The film is a quirky masterpiece about an unemployed slacker and bowling enthusiast named Jeffrey Lebowski known as The Dude. When a millionaire, also named Jeffrey Lebowski, learns his much younger wife has been kidnapped, he recruits The Dude to help get her back. Aside from it's tightly woven plot and colorful characters, this film probably feels like a novel because the Coen Brothers were inspired by the novels of Raymond Chandler: "We wanted to do a Chandler kind of story—how it moves episodically, and deals with the characters trying to unravel a mystery. As well as having a hopelessly complex plot that's ultimately unimportant."

The Evolution of "Peppermint Breath"

June 27, 2013

Somewhere between the years 2004 and 2005, I began working on my first novel, which had several working titles, including The Wishing Game, The Relevance of Morality, and The Completely True Story of Reed Jackson. As it goes with many authors and their debut efforts, this first novel of mine was not very good and, ultimately, went unpublished.

Fans of Inside the Outside—my official debut novel—might be surprised to know that there is no blood or death or horror of any sort in that unpublished novel. It was an earnest attempt on my part to write something literary, in the vain of The Catcher in the Rye or The Great Gatsby, only with strippers, prostitutes, and a morally conflicted middle-school teacher named Reed Jackson. The most difficult part about writing that novel was the fact that I had no idea how to write a novel. I'd been writing short stories for years—a couple of which I was even proud of—but, despite having been a reader and lover of novels, I quickly learned that writing one was a wholly different animal.

So, I did my best to learn on the fly and what followed was a mostly mediocre manuscript with flashes of potential. Despite my overall dissatisfaction with the novel, there were a handful of sections that I felt good about. One such section was the opening paragraph, which you can read below:

"I’d been stealing my students’ money for almost six months. Technically, it wasn’t their money and technically I wasn’t stealing it. That’s the truth — just not the honest truth. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, my story that is, trying to figure out where to start and what to tell. There’s just so much and it all seems so random. There’s the brothel in Mexico and the whore who reminded me of my mother, the pornographer named Luscious and the movie he coerced me into performing in, the fight in front of Baby Doll’s and my first introduction to Burgundy, my missing wife and our unborn child, my road trip to Graceland, the three bald cannibals, and the stripper who rescued me from the depths of loneliness before single-handedly ruining my teaching career, which brings me back to my students’ money, which I’d been stealing for almost a six months."

There were two things that came out of my unpublished novel that I was later able to make use of. The first (which fans of Inside the Outside may have noticed from the excerpt) was the character of Billy D. Luscious, who, in that novel played a relatively minor role. I found a new home for Luscious in Inside the Outside where I fleshed him out, making him a very important central character.

The second thing that came out of my unpublished novel was a scene in Reed Jackson's backstory. It involved Reed as a little boy, growing up in a small apartment with his mother who was a prostitute; Reed, of course, didn't know what his mother did for money. In the scene, he wakes up in the middle of the night to the phone ringing. He goes into the kitchen where he finds his mother talking. She later takes Reed with her to a 24-hour diner where she is meeting up with a client.

That was one of the last scenes I wrote for the book and I became quite fond of it, so I was always sort of sad that it would get thrown out with the bathwater as a result of the book not being published. Sometime later, I decided to extract that scene and salvage it into a short story. I didn't spend too much time on it, however, and, as it was with the novel it came from, I eventually scrapped it. I didn't look at it again, until last year when I was approached by Will Entrekin, Creative Director of Exciting Press, who wanted to know if I had any unpublished work sitting around.

One of the stories I decided to show him was that former scene from my unpublished novel, which I hadn't even titled. Right before I sent it to Will, I titled the story "Peppermint Breath." Will said he wanted to publish it, along with a few other stories, so contracts were signed and my once-scrapped-story was about to get a new lease on life.

A few days before Exciting Press was set to publish "Peppermint Breath," I re-read it and decided that it wasn't quite ready for public consumption, so I asked Will if he wouldn't mind letting me toy with it a little bit before he published it. With Will's blessing, I spent a day or two adding about 2,000 words to the story (amongst those 2,000 words, the character of Luscious makes a cameo along with Timber Marlow, the heroine of Inside the Outside).

I sent Will the updated draft and on December 16, 2012, "Peppermint Breath" was officially introduced to the world.

An Ode to Book Bloggers

June 3, 2013

NOTE TO READER: This article first appeared on BiblioBabes.ca courtesy of Kat and Cara on August 23, 2012

So, here’s how it went down.

My brother, Greg, and I were at my place having a writing session, working on the screenplay adaptation of Inside the Outside. I was on my desktop, while he worked on his laptop. We were taking a short break, each of us wasting a bit of time on the Internet, when he turned his laptop towards me.

“Have you seen them before?”

“No.”

I was looking at Kat and Cara, The BiblioBabes.

“You should send them your book.”

My initial instinct was not to bother. They were cool and smart and sexy—and, well, I was just an indie author. And, having recently published my debut novel, I was hanging onto the bottom rung of a very tall and slippery ladder.

While I expected not to hear back at all, I went ahead and contacted the BiblioBabes. And, a few days later, I was pleasantly surprised to hear back from them when they kindly asked me to send my novel their way.

And that was the beginning.

The BiblioBabes have since, in the world of book bloggers, become my biggest supporters. And I’m not so sure they completely realize how important they are to me. In fact, book bloggers everywhere play a supremely important role in the rapidly evolving world of independent publishing.

In the world of traditional publishing most authors have agents and publicists to go along with the support of their publisher. Very often, this is enough to get them exposure in newspapers and magazines—and, for the very fortunate, interviews on television and radio.

But, for indie authors, we have access to virtually none of the aforementioned outlets. So, we rely primarily on the Internet, where we can use social networks and blogs and personal websites to bring attention to our books. But, even then, we can only do so much for ourselves. At some point, we need other outlets to not only spread the word, but to help validate our existence in the eyes of potential readers.

And this is why book bloggers are so important to indie authors. Book bloggers are not associated with publishers or corporate media outlets; generally speaking, they’re just regular folks who love to read books and write about them. It all seems so very simple, but what they do for indie authors is absolutely invaluable.

When I initially published Inside the Outside, my experience with book bloggers was sort of hit and miss; I had no track record, no other published works of note, so I could hardly blame them for not wanting to take a chance on me. Generally, when I contacted book bloggers, I was often met with no response at all or, sometimes, I’d get a polite “thanks, but no thanks.”

A very small handful of book bloggers did, however, agree to read my book. Amongst them were the BiblioBabes.

A few weeks after I sent them my novel, I received emails from Kat and Cara, telling me how much they were enjoying it. And, a few weeks after that, they each wrote glowing reviews (HERE and HERE) about it for their website.

Around that same time, most of the other book bloggers who’d read my book also wrote wonderful reviews. And it seemed that the more positive attention my book got, the more other book bloggers became willing to read and review it. Pretty soon it all seemed to take on a life of its own. And now, a year later, I have what feels like a burgeoning career as a writer and independent publisher—and, for that, I will always be grateful to the BiblioBabes.

So, to all the book bloggers out there, please don’t ever forget how important you are to all of us indie authors. You are not only our readers, but our advocates. And we thank you for it.

10 Questions for... Laila Lucent

May 13, 2013

I first became aware of Laila Lucent, author of The Yoga Stripper: A Las Vegas Memoir of Sex, Drugs and Namaste, a few weeks when back I was listening to Penn's Sunday School, which is the podcast of Penn Jillette (who is, of course, one half of the iconic magic duo Penn & Teller). Lucent grew up in rural Ohio, before taking off to Brazil when she was 16 to be a high school exchange student for a year.

She studied at The Ohio State University and, upon graduating, she headed to Las Vegas where she decided to be professionally topless. Since publishing her memoir, Lucent has moved to Los Angeles where, along with teaching yoga (certified to teach Envision Yoga and Vinyasa Flow), she is pursuing a career as a television writer.

Without further ado, here are 10 questions for Laila Lucent...

1. What would you like readers to know about The Yoga Stripper?

'The Yoga Stripper' is an inside look at my two years working at the best strip club in Las Vegas, and probably the most famous strip club in the world, the Spearmint Rhino. The book is 100% true (unless it's my parents asking), really funny and has a lot of heart. The take away message of 'The Yoga Stripper' is that women are so much more powerful and so much more in control than most of them realize, and that everyone should have sex with the damn lights on!

2. What drove you to write The Yoga Stripper?

Honestly, I just always wanted to try working as a stripper. And I was right. It was awesome! I figured writing a book about stripping would make me appear more responsible than I actually am. Also, I met some of the most amazing women of my life working at Spearmint Rhino, and I wanted the world to know that they exist. 'The Yoga Stripper' was written for them.

3. How did you end being interviewed on Penn's Sunday School?

Penn Jillette has been such a terrific influence on my life. I can't even begin to explain how much he's meant to me, how much he's taught me, and how many disgusting jokes he's told me. Through weird coincidence, Penn's wonderful wife, Emily, was one of my very first friends in Las Vegas. Through Emily, I became friends with Penn (lucky girl, I know), and I started going to his weekly Movie Night at his really awesome house, The Slammer. Every week, a group of us (sometimes I was the only girl) got together and ate really terrible food, watched and made fun of a movie together. Everyone at Movie Night knew I was writing a book, and when I finally got it out, Penn was wonderful enough to have me on Penn's Sunday School to promote it.

4. Who are some writers that have affected your storytelling sensibilities?

I love Ken Kesey, author of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. In fact, my stripper name was Kesey. I'm working towards getting employed as a television writer, and I really admire the careers of Tina Fey and Mindy Kaling. Hopefully, I'll get to meet them one day. Also, anyone who is serious about writing a worthwhile story should read 'Story: Style, Structure, Substance, and the Principles of Screenwriting' by Robert McKee.

5. What methods and strategies have you employed in order to promote both yourself as an author, as well as The Yoga Stripper?

I still have a long way to go on this. I've been really slacking on marketing (which is at least as important as what you've written for book sales). I started a Twitter account and I badgered my friends on Facebook to buy my book. I gave copies of 'The Yoga Stripper' away at Improv Vegas's weekly gathering of comedy kids, and at my going away party to all of my friends. Amazon's KDP Select program has definitely helped boost sales. And finally, I recommend reading and applying the advice of the book How to Make, Market and Sell Ebooks by Jason Matthews. He has amazingly useful (and free) marketing advice.

6. Writing a book is such a complex exercise that I imagine no two authors do it exactly the same. Can you summarize your process for me?

You just gotta write. I know there are a million distractions and excuses, but you just gotta write or, unfortunately, you're not a writer. I'd go to the coffee shop down the street from my apartment and purposefully deprive myself of the Internet. I figured out my theme, and then I sorted through all of my crazy Vegas stories to figure out which ones best made the point I wanted to make. Thanks to stripping, I had my weeks free, and that gave me the time I needed to grind it out. The editing was the hardest part. I started with the big stuff, cutting out entire chapters, and then I got down to the minutia (ie. "Is 'awhile' one word or two? Better Google it.")

7. Do you find there to be any underlining similarities between yoga, stripping, and writing?

Those are the three things that I can convince people to pay me to do. Yay! And they're all things that I get a big kick out of. They've all helped shape me into the person I am today. I love all three.

8. Where do you see your writing career five years from now?

I'll be writing for a hit television show in L.A., poised to become a head writer on the next show I work on. Or I'll be rereading this article and crying myself to sleep while lamenting what a miserable idiot failure I am. It might not work out how I want it to, but that'll be okay, too, because success is but a symptom of the disease. I'm in this game to create art that makes me feel proud and that I love. Wherever and however I end up doing that, I'll be happy.

9. What are you currently working on?

Penn's Sunday School cohost (and about the coolest guy ever!), Matt Donnelly, informed me that all of his friends writing for television shows have two original pilots written as well as two spec scripts. I have a lot to work on. I'm writing a spec script for the TV show 'Girls' and most likely one for 'The Mindy Project.' Then an original kind of 'Entourage'-esque show about stripping in Las Vegas, and a sitcom about these guys that live together in college.

10. What advice would you give to an aspiring author who hopes to see their work published one day?

Write a book and publish it. That's all. The only thing stopping you is you. Ding dong, the publishing gate keepers are dead! When I asked him over a year ago if I should try and publish 'The Yoga Stripper' through a traditional publisher or self-publish, Penn told me, "All of the cool kids are self-publishing." Also, if at all possible, get your friends to help you! My friends Lana Hines Strong and Ravi Krishnaney edited my book. Ashley Ellwood Photography staged a cover intervention with me on my original cover. She and Chris Fore Photography designed my amazing cover. My friend, NYT best selling author Larry "Ratso" Sloman, gave me writing advice and helped me to write a better introduction chapter. Be nice to people, and they'll want to help you succeed.

I’d like to thank Laila Lucent for spending some time here on Inside Martin. If you’d like to learn more about Laila and her work, you can check out her website, The Yoga Stripper. You can also check her out on Facebook and follow her on Twitter. Buy The Yoga Stripper: A Las Vegas Memoir of Sex, Drugs, and Namaste on Amazon:

Roger Ebert (1942-2013)

April 5, 2013

A few minutes ago I read that Roger Ebert died, and I can't help but feel like I've lost a good friend. I never met Roger Ebert, but he's been richly engrained in my life for the last eighteen years, just as he has with many other film lovers for much longer than that. I was eighteen years old in the summer of 1996, having just graduated high school, when my family first got the internet in our house. It was dial-up, of course, which, by today's standards, is painstakingly slow, but in 1996 it was the most amazing technological innovation we'd ever had the pleasure of hosting.

It was on the internet where I first met Roger Ebert. I'd always known the name Roger Ebert, but I didn't know much about him beyond being the chubby counterpart to Gene Siskel on the widely syndicated film-criticism program Siskel & Ebert at the Movies. With the addition of the internet to our household, I soon discovered his prolific genius.

I've grown up my whole life with the movies and can't remember a time when I didn't absolutely love them. With the internet I discovered that I could read all about the movies, learning the sort of intimate and little known details that were never written on the back covers of my VHS tapes. Somewhere along the way, I came across a Roger Ebert movie review. I can't remember what the movie was, but I do remember being spellbound by his insight, his wit, and his elegant prose. The website I'd discovered contained many of Ebert's film reviews for the Chicago Sun Times, which he'd been writing since April 3, 1967.

"[Marlon] Brando's performance is a skillful throwaway, even though it earned him an Academy Award for best actor. His voice is wheezy and whispery, and his physical movements deliberately lack precision; the effect is of a man so accustomed to power that he no longer needs to remind others."

-Roger Ebert, review of The Godfather

Discovering Ebert on the internet was like discovering a new best friend, one who loved movies even more than I did and knew how to talk about them in a way that I'd never even considered. Ebert could break a movie down to it's essential elements, from story and character to set design and cinematography, doing it in a language that was both technical and accessible.

Even when he hated a movie, he made you understand why. And when he loved a movie, his reviews bordered on poetry. I went through countless ink cartridges and sheets of paper printing out my favorite Ebert reviews, as I was absolutely certain that somebody somewhere would soon figure out the value of this treasure and it would all be taken away.

I spent hours and hours reading Ebert's reviews for movies I'd seen and movies I hadn't seen, movies I loved and movies I hated. When Ebert loved a movie that I loved, I felt validated. When Ebert hated a movie that I hated, I felt vindicated. And when we disagreed, I learned to appreciate his point of view, while still maintaining my own (this, however, took several years for me to get the hang of, such was my reverence for him).

Ebert posted reviews every Friday, like clockwork, talking about all the latest films. I soon began measuring my calendar by the days leading up to Ebert's latest batch of Friday reviews. Thanks to Ebert, I avoided films that I might otherwise have toiled through and, better yet, I fell in love with films that I might otherwise have missed altogether.

Because the reviews on his website only went back to 1980, I was, for a time, denied the opportunity of reading Ebert's thoughts on some of my very favorite movies, such as The Godfather (1972) or Jaws (1975). And then I discovered Roger Ebert's Video Companion 1996 Edition, which has most every review I'd printed from my computer, plus hundreds more, including films that were made pre-1980. It quickly became one of the more cherished treasures on my bookshelf.

"There are no doubt supposed to be all sorts of levels of meaning in such an archetypal story, but [Stephen] Spielberg wisely decides not to underline any of them. This is an action film content to stay entirely within the perimeters of its story, and none of the characters has to wade through speeches expounding on the significance of it all."

-Roger Ebert, review of Jaws

While Ebert could talk expertly about all things film, his reviews always made me feel like we were having a pleasant conversation and this, for me, was his greatest ability.

And so today I feel great sadness, because I will no longer be able to enjoy my Friday conversations with Ebert, leaving me to wonder what he might've thought of all of the wonderful movies that are yet to be made. Of course, there are still hundreds of conversations he and I will still be able to have, on account of all the movies I haven't yet watched and all of the books he's published reviewing them.

Earlier this year, I watched a difficult movie called Amour by Michael Haneke. It is the story of an elderly couple in their eighties; the wife has a debilitating stroke and the husband tries admirably to care for her. The movie is sad and true and, at times, difficult to watch. When it was over, I couldn't decide how I felt about the experience, so, as always, I turned to Ebert to help me make sense of it.

"This is now. We are filled with optimism and expectation. Why would we want to see such a film, however brilliantly it has been made? I think it's because a film like 'Amour' has a lesson for us that only the cinema can teach: the cinema, with its heedless ability to leap across time and transcend lives and dramatize what it means to be a member of humankind's eternal audience."

-Roger Ebert, review of Amour

While I never met Roger Ebert, I'll miss him terribly (even as I type these words, the tears are welling up behind my eyes). At his best, he was ever able to fill me with optimism and expectation, helping me understand the lessons that only the cinema can teach, leaping across time and the internet, showing by his exquisite example what it means to be a member of humankind's eternal audience.

10 Questions for... Andy Elliott

March 26, 2013

Andy Elliott is the author of the terrific novella Composition, which felt like something Nick Hornby might write if he were reincarnated as Bret Easton Ellis. The book itself is essentially four independent, but interconnected, stories that come together in the end in a very satisfying Pulp-Ficiton-esque sort of way. Elliott lives and works in Wales, is a graduate of Trinity College, Carmarthen’s MA Creative Writing course, and he has contributed to the New Welsh Review. Without further ado, here are 10 questions for Andy Elliott...

1. What would you like readers to know about Composition?

It's unsuitable for younger readers. I dislike making sweeping generalisations on behalf of readers, because there might always be exceptions, but my book deals with some very adult themes. Also that it's mercifully short: it's nearer a novella than a novel in terms of length. I would hate someone to pick it up thinking it's a long book and feel shortchanged, so I'd want them to know in advance that it's a quick but satisfying read.

2. The premise for Composition is very unique. How’d you come up with the idea?

There are four intersecting stories at the core of the book and these originated in different ways. For one it was reading a weird detail in a newspaper article and another from sitting down and consciously writing micro-fiction for 2 hours.

3. Who are some writers that have affected your storytelling sensibilities?

For any Welsh writer Dylan Thomas' presence is never far away. As well as the obvious contribution he makes to part four of the book, I can hear his cadences in some of the passages throughout. Bret Easton-Ellis taught me to be true to my characters and brave when that meant exposing uncomfortable truths about them. Kafka proved irrefutably that short fiction need not mean insubstantial fiction. Every writer I've read who ever employed symbolism to good effect carries some blame: there's LOTS of symbolism in this book. I fantasise about there being a CliffsNotes.

4. What methods and strategies have you employed in order to promote both yourself as an author, as well Composition?

Considering I work in Media & Communications I've been pretty remiss on that front. I have zero costs but also no publicity budget to speak of. I did a run of promotional postcards and I tend to take those with me everywhere in case I get a chance to drop some off somewhere. Literature Wales have been helpful in getting it noticed within Wales; ditto the Bibliobabes on a more international level.

5. Writing a book is such a complex exercise that I imagine no two authors do it exactly the same. Can you summarize your process for me?

For me writing starts with a concept or even just a weird little detail. Initially it's not a linear process, just something I've made a deal with myself to explore. It's quite playful actually and can seem like something I'm just doing for my own amusement. I can stop writing for days to research and plan until I get things straight in my own head, then it's green for go again. I write best between 10:30pm and 4:00am, which means I've been really unproductive since I started cohabiting, but the bags under my eyes are smaller.

6. Did you have any concerns with how readers would respond to Composition, being that it begins with a taboo subject matter?

Not really, but then I tend to give readers a lot of credit. That said, I know I've asked a lot of them and it's been interesting to see how people have responded. One review noted that the opening chapters made for uncomfortable reading at times and it was only then I realised I've probably lost other readers during those chapters, maybe to their weak stomachs or to assumptions the whole book is going to be like that.

7. What drove you to write Composition?

The Devil made me do it.

8. Where do you see your writing career five years from now?

I'd like to see 'Composition' achieve its potential and for me to know it's been read in significant numbers. I know I need to put as much time into being visible as an author and making my work visible as I do to producing that work. I guess the important thing looking five years ahead is that I've established an audience and I'm not starting from scratch each time I promote new work.

9. What are you currently working on?

It took a lot of work to produce that odd, little book and I'll admit I'm a bit daunted by trying to take on the larger canvas of a full-length novel. I'm just playing with ideas for the moment, some nice short stories are coming from it but nothing I've wanted to explore in a longer form yet.

10. What advice would you give to an aspiring author who hopes to see their work published one day?

When I was talking to a London agency about 'Composition' they said it would be virtually impossible to place a novella-length book by a first-time author with a mainstream publisher; they wanted a full-length novel and asked if I could bolt another 25,000 words on to the book they'd already seen and liked. I started extending it but it felt dishonest. Yes the book was short, but it was already finished. That experience illustrates the choice any author, aspiring or established, faces, not just when it comes to distribution but each time they sit down to write: what is going to shape your book? Will it be the truth of the story you want to tell or the influence of the market? Both are legitimate, but the existence of a healthy independent publishing sector means right now you can be uncompromising without being unread. I hope that continues and that more writers choose this route; it seems to be how some of the most innovative, original and downright quirky books are finding their way into the world.

I’d like to thank Andy Elliott for spending some time here on Inside Martin. If you’d like to learn more about Andy and his work, you follow him on Twitter. Buy Composition on Amazon:

Trolling Amazon: The Dark Side of Customer Reviews

March 4, 2013

I woke up this morning to an email from Amazon.com promoting a series of 2013 Oscar-nominated movies that were available on DVD and Blu-ray. Those who know me know I love movies and am completely enamored by televised award ceremonies that honor and celebrate them.

Now, I know there is no quantitative means of discerning which film was "best" and that, at best, many of the awards go to those movies and their collective collaborators who enjoy the politicking efforts of their respective studio executives, but it doesn't stop me from having my own rooting interests nor does it stop me from cheering (while eating pizza and chips during the Oscar party I hosted) when my favorite films win awards.

In preparation for the 2013 Academy Awards, I attended the AMC Best Picture Showcase where, over the course of two Saturday marathon sessions, I watched all nine nominated films:

So, this morning, as I marked the first full week of my post-Oscar malaise, I was delighted to see Amazon promoting the Oscar-nominated films. Wanting only to briefly tap into the good feelings that great movies instill in me, I clicked on several of the movie titles listed.

The first film I clicked on was Beasts of the Southern Wild and, before I saw anything else, I noticed how many customer reviews it had (nearly 800 as of this writing).

While the reviews were overwhelmingly positive, there were some negative reviews. Anytime a piece of art reaches a wide audience, negative reviews are to be expected, so this wasn't anything that caught me off guard. What did catch me off guard, however, was how mean-spirited some of the words were amongst the reviewers, such as:

"Miserable. I want my time back."

"Ugh, I really hated it!"

This compelled me to read other negative reviews from the Oscar-nominated films, such as Life of Pi:

"...as much energy and charm as a vibrator with a dying battery..."

"The only good thing I can say about this movie is that it recreates the experience of sea sickness without actually being on the water..."

And Silver Linings Playbook:

"Bradley Cooper has no charisma whatsoever. Jennifer Lawrence is bad girl boring. Robert De Niro has been playing this exact same part forever and physically looks to be morphing into Tony Bennett. And De Niro's wife - well, I thought it was Sally Struthers post-diet making a comeback - but it wasn't her - but whomever it was, all the actress did was stand around looking pole-axed."

"One star because zero stars isn't an option, nor is a black hole icon."

Before I knew it, more than an hour had past of me reading negative reviews for many movies that I have overwhelmingly positive feelings for. And I found that the exercise of reading these negative words served only to upset me and put me in a sad mood. It got me to thinking about the people who wrote the mean-spirited reviews, wondering what their motivations were. If they simply wanted to offer a critique to help inform curious consumers, that's one thing, but their objectives seemed far more devious and cynical than that.

And this all led me to thinking about the culture of social networking and cyber-bullying, how, when faced with a computer screen, certain individuals are filled with the bravery to say truly awful and hurtful things without hesitation or remorse. Such people are, in Internet vernacular, generally referred to as "trolls" and what they do is known as "trolling." What trolls do is enter into Internet communities and speak in inflammatory terms for the sole purpose of eliciting an emotional response, like a petulant child who misbehaves for attention. A troll will spend five minutes of their lives trashing art that has taken someone else years of hard work to produce.

As an author, I've seen and read most all of the negative reviews of my novel Inside the Outside. While it never feels good to read somebody's take on why they didn't like it, I've always approached customer reviews with the attitude that the moment somebody pays money to read my novel they're free to say whatever they like about it. That said, I still wish we lived in a more cordial time, where reviewers could share their negative critiques in more respectful terms; I wish they'd assume the artists behind the works they're trashing are actual human beings with hearts, minds, and feelings.

It's all subjective, of course, and everybody is entitled to their opinion, but whenever I see a particularly shitty or hurtful review of a movie or a book or anything of the like, I ask myself: Would they say those same exact words if the artist were standing in front of them?

Unless they're severe sociopaths, the answer is no.

But, because we live in this new and evolving age of cyber-communication, trolls and cyber-bullies are becoming more and more emboldened to fill the world with hatred and negativity. And while I'd like to think this is just some passing phase, I suspect it will exist for as long as we have the Internet, which, barring some sort of apocalyptic event, will be the rest of our lives.

On the bright side, we can only be affected by trolls if we empower them by reading their words, which means the obvious and simple solution is to ignore them. And that's exactly what I plan to do.

Beneath the Skin: Fiction, Cannibals, and Vegetarianism (GUEST POST)

February 12, 2013

Beneath the Skin: Fiction, Cannibals, and Vegetarianism

By Andy Elliott

I have a secret: Inside the Outside literally changed my life.

For some years, I had harboured the suspicion that eating animals was morally suspect and a practice I should curb, but, goddamn it, those critters were just too delicious and the prospect of vegetarianism too inconvenient to compel me to action. Upon finishing Inside the Outside, a remarkable tale of a young woman raised within a cannibalistic cult, I instantly stopped eating meat and fish.

That was 7 months ago.

In that time countless friends, relatives, and colleagues have asked me:

"Why?"

"Why vegetarianism?"

"Why now?"

To all of these questions and to all of these people, without exception, I have lied, cobbling together some vague response about having suddenly and inexplicably reached that decision when all along the truth is...

Martin Lastrapes made me do it!

Why the secrecy? I'm embarrassed. In the end it wasn't the PETA campaigns, the health or environmental arguments that ultimately occasioned this decision. I was simply moved to it by a work of fiction.

The detached, unquestioning way in which the book's main characters equate people with meat, coupled with the isolation of the setting and the quality of Lastrapes' prose is tantamount to indoctrination. When I learned, through the book's protagonist, Timber Marlow, that people on the outside survive by eating animals, it was as though I was hearing this information for the first time.

By that point meat was meat; it was all or nothing, cannibalism or vegetarianism. For the time being at least, I have plumped for the latter. While this is far from the first time I've been moved by great literature, it is certainly the most impact a book has ever had on my diet and probably on the way I choose to live my life.

Inside the Outside is often categorised as horror. This is the expectation I had of it and yet what actually unfolded on the page was not genre fiction at all, but an accomplished work approaching literary fiction—albeit one that has moments of high terror, gruesome dismemberment, and cannibalism. For people who find it hard to reconcile those two positions, I have two words: American Psycho.

If you want a grisly page-turner, Inside the Outside will more than deliver. Get beneath the skin and subcutaneous fat though and, as with the human body, what you'll find with Inside the Outside is a complex and impressive structure, not of veins and capillaries but themes, ideas, and commentary.

Lastrapes deals with them deftly, almost playfully, often allowing only a short glimpse for the idea to form before moving the narrative on, then returning to it pages or sometimes chapters later. Some of the gruesome set-pieces excepted, it is a very accessible read, particularly so when you consider that it touches some big ideas like belief, power, corruption, objectification, and consumerism, as well as offering considered insights into intimacy, sexuality, and the loss of innocence.

Or it could just be a clever ruse to make you give up eating meat.

Andy Elliott is a writer living and working in Wales. A graduate of Trinity College, Carmarthen's MA Creative Writing course, he has contributed to the New Welsh Review and published his first short novel, Composition, in May 2011.

The Metamorphosis

January 21, 2013

One of my very first English professors, a kindly old lady at Chaffey College, once told us not to bother reading boring books. "There are too many good books out there," she said, "to waste your time reading something you're not enjoying."

It was great advice, which I still adhere to almost 17 years later. Of course, I also understood that she was talking about our personal reading preferences, as opposed to what we were assigned to read as students. In the course of my education, I had to read a lot of stories that I would otherwise not have entertained had my grade not been on the line. I came to equate—as so many students do—school reading with boring reading.

That was all before I read Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis.

"As Gregor Samsa awoke from unsettling dreams one morning, he found himself transformed in his bed into a monstrous vermin. He lay on his hard armorlike back and when he raised his head a little he saw his vaulted brown belly divided into sections by stiff arches from whose height the coverlet had already slipped and was about to slide off completely."

-Franz Kafka, 'The Metamorphosis' (translated by Donna Freed)

There I was, in my bedroom, reading about this man, Gregor Samsa, who woke up one morning and found himself transformed into a giant cockroach! (Note to reader: The Metamorphosis has been translated several times and in the first version I read Gregor Samsa was transformed into a "cockroach," as opposed to an "insect" or "vermin.") Of course, my immediate thought was that Kafka was speaking metaphorically and Gregor simply felt like a cockroach. But, as I read on, I discovered that Gregor actually had transformed. And, while there are plenty of metaphorical implications in the subtext, it was, on its surface, a story about a man who turned into an cockroach. And I was reading it for school!

When I first encountered The Metamorphosis about 11 years ago as an English major at Cal State San Bernardino, I felt like I'd discovered some wonderful secret, some hidden gem buried in my otherwise boring textbook. Perhaps because I was so excited about The Metamorphosis, I sort of dominated the discussion we had about it in class. Soon thereafter, I ended up writing my first English paper as a university student about it, analyzing Gregor Samsa's relationship with his sister (which I argued could be viewed as an incestuous longing on his part). And a few weeks after that, I gave an oral presentation on The Metamorphosis for extra credit. I didn't really need the extra points, I just didn't want to stop talking about it.

"He would have needed arms and hands to prop himself up, instead of which he had only the many little legs that continually waved every which way and which he could not control at all. If he wanted to bend one, it was the first to stretch itself out, and if he finally succeeded in getting this leg to do what he wanted, the others in the meantime, as if set free, waved all the more wildly in painful and frenzied agitation."

-Franz Kafka, 'The Metamorphosis' (translated by Donna Freed)

A few years after reading The Metamorphosis, I started writing articles for a movie blog called Criticide. One particular week, having not watched any of the movies that were out in theaters, I decided to pay homage to Franz Kafka by writing a fake movie review for a fake film adaptation of The Metamorphosis. The fake review was titled "Being Franz Kafka."

Around the same time that I was writing for Criticide, I started working on my debut novel, Inside the Outside. Had I not been introduced to The Metamorphosis, there's no telling what story I might've written. But, because of Kafka, I felt emboldened. He made me feel like it was okay to embrace my imagination, to write the sort of (strange, dark, surreal) stories I found most interesting. Were it not for Kafka, I have no reason to believe that Timber Marlow—the cannibal heroine of my novel—would ever have been born. I knew this even as I was writing my novel and, wanting to pay tribute to Kafka's story, I made it part of my book:

Before reading The Metamorphosis, I assumed that the world of academia was a place for "proper" stories. Perhaps because I spent so much time in the exercise of literary analysis, I was haunted by the notion that my stories wouldn't be taken seriously.

They wouldn't be discussed in classrooms or written about in term papers. And, while I knew that's not what made a story good or bad, I couldn't help but feel slighted. I felt that way all the way until I read The Metamorphosis.

So, for me, Franz Kafka literally changed my perception of what literature could be. Because of him, I learned there was a place for writers like me. Or, at least, a place for the writer that I hoped one day to become.

10 Movies That Feel Like Novels: PART ONE

January 8, 2013

PART ONE | PART TWO

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My two great loves in this world are books and movies, so when a great book is adapted into a great movie, I am generally left in a state of euphoric bliss. I love when, during the opening credits, some version of "Based on the novel _____ By _____" turns up, as it means that somebody's already put in the hard work of writing a novel and getting it published, then somebody else read the novel and decided to go through the trouble of adapting it into a movie, so, by virtue of its journey, by the time the film reaches the big screen the probability of me loving it has gone up exponentially.

The most recent book adaptations that I saw—and loved—were Silver Linings Playbook (based on the novel by Matthew Quick) and Life of Pi (based on the novel by Yann Martell). A few of my other favorite films adapted from books are Jaws (based on the novel Jaws by Peter Benchley), The Godfather (based on the novel by Mario Puzo), The Shawshank Redemption (based on the novella "Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption" from the collection Different Seasons by Stephen King), Slumdog Millionaire (based on the novel Q & A by Vikas Swarup), and 25th Hour (based on the novel by David Benioff).

Sometimes, however, I'll watch a movie that tells a story with such literary flair, I simply assume it was based on a novel. And when I discover that movie was not based on a novel at all, I'm left feeling appreciation and disappointment. Appreciation for a story well told and disappointment for the wonderful novel that does not exist. There are several movies that I've watched over the years that felt like they were adapted from novels; in some cases the feeling was so strong, I nearly checked my bookshelf to read a particular passage that only really exists on celluloid.

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1. Almost Famous (2000)

Watching Almost Famous in the theatre was like watching a movie that was made just for me (and, considering how poorly it did in the box office, it may very well have been). It's a coming-of-age story that is screaming to be a novel, especially since it's the semi-autobiographical tale of the writer/director Cameron Crowe who penned the novel Fast Times at Ridgemont High, as well as its subsequent screenplay adaptation. The story is about William Miller, a 15-year-old boy who loves rock n' roll and dreams of being a music journalist. He lucks into the chance of a lifetime when Rolling Stone Magazine (completely unaware that he's not yet a legal adult) hires him to go on tour with rising rock band Stillwater for a feature story. Even film critic Roger Ebert senses the literary nature of this story, as he writes in his review, "It's as if Huckleberry Finn came back to life in the 1970s, and instead of taking a raft down the Mississippi, got on the bus with the band."

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2. Bull Durham (1988)

Written and Directed by Ron Shelton, Bull Durham is easily my favorite sports movie and one of my all-time favorite films period. While it's not based on a novel, it has a smart and sultry narrator in Annie Sevoy, as well as some interesting things to say about the overlapping interests of sports and religion. The story is about two minor league baseball players: Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh, a young pitcher destined for the major leagues, and Crash Davis, a veteran catcher who's smarts and savvy were never quite enough to get him into the big leagues. Crash resents Nuke both for his physical gifts and his inability to fully appreciate them. But, more than that, he resents him because they both want the same woman: Annie.

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3. Manhattan (1979)

Manhattan is probably my favorite Woody Allen film. It's the story about a 30-something man name Issac, recently divorced and currently dating a 17-year-old high school student. Issac quits his well-paying job as a TV writer in order to pen his first novel. The movie actual starts with a voiceover from our protagonist, Issac, as he attempts to compose an opening passage for his fictional novel. "Chapter One. He adored New York City," Issac starts, "He romanticised it all out of proportion. To him, no matter what the season was, this was still a town that existed in black and white and pulsated to the great tunes of George Gershwin." My goodness, how I'd love to read the rest of that book!

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4. Good Will Hunting (1997)

In 1997, I probably watched Gus Van Sant's Good Will Hunting at least five or six times; and, a couple years later, it would become the first DVD that I ever owned. This one has novel written all over it. It's about a 20-year-old mathematical genius, Will Hunting, who works as a janitor at MIT by day and drinks with his knucklehead buddies by night. Will is an orphan who suffered severe physical and emotional abuse from his foster dad. He's never really had a father figure in his life, until, after getting in trouble with the law, he's forced by the court to go to therapy. He's eventually paired up with Sean Maguire, a widowed psychology professor who—like Will—was once a boy genius growing up on the wrong side of town. Oh, I can practically feel my fingers turning the pages when I think about this movie.

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5. Being John Malkovich (1999)

Written by Charlie Kaufman and directed by Spike Jonze, Being John Malkovich not only feels like it was adapted from a novel, it actually feels like that novel was written by Franz Kafka. The story is about Craig Schwartz, a struggling puppeteer who, in need of money, gets a miserable office job on the 7 ½ floor of the Mertin Flemmer Building. Hidden behind a filing cabinet, Craig discovers a portal into the head of world-famous actor John Malkovich (who, being a good sport, plays himself in the film). The story itself isn't simply a gimmick, either; it explores issues of personal identity and self, as each character, at various points in the film, pretends to be somebody they're not (usually John Malkovich) in the hopes of gaining love and acceptance from people who they worry (sometimes rightly so) would neither love nor accept them for who they are. If that's not the stuff of literature, I don't know what is!

10 Moments I Thought Signaled the End of the World

December 21, 2012

NOTE TO READER: An alternate version of this article appeared on "Pressure Points" in May 2011 in lieu of Family Radio Worldwide's failed end-of-the-world prediction.

The apocalypse is upon us (again)! Thanks to millions of conspiracy theorists and their excruciatingly uninformed understanding of the Mayan calendar, December 21, 2012 has become the latest in a long line of destined-to-be-wrong-end-of-the-world predictions. Of course, we're in fighting shape for this false alarm, as it was only last year that Family Radio Worldwide got the world's attention with their prediction that the world would end on May 21, 2011.

At the time, Family Radio Worldwide seemed to take pleasure in the fact that they'd beat the Mayan's (or at least their calendar) to the apocalyptic punch. But, like so many before them, they were sent away, disappointed that the world remained exactly as it was. When this latest apocalypse prophecy turns out to be wrong, the current crop of crazies will have plenty of company—including Haley’s Comet in 1910, Heaven’s Gate in 1997, Y2K in 2000, and any of the countless times Jehovah’s Witnesses have predicted the end of the world (1874, 1914, 1925, 1941, 1975…etc.).

Of course, there've been plenty of moments in my own life where I thought the world was coming to an end. So, in honor of the world still being here on December 21, 2012, here are the top 10 moments that previously led me to believe the world was coming to an end...

10. Buster Douglas (1990)

When James “Buster” Douglas knocked out the undefeated Mike Tyson in Tokyo, Japan, becoming the Undisputed Heavyweight Champion, I was convinced that the apocalypse was upon us.

However, eight months later, in his first and only title defense, Douglas lost the belt to Evander Holyfield. And the world kept on spinning.

9. Benedict Hogan (1994)

In 1993, Hulk Hogan effectively “retired” from the World Wrestling Federation (WWF), which was a day I had long dreaded. It wasn’t until 1994, not long after testifying against Vince McMahon, the WWF Chairman, in a federal steroid trial, that Hogan went all Benedict Arnold on me and signed with rival World Championship Wrestling (WCW). It was then that I knew, without question, that the end was nigh.

Because Hulk Hogan will make two appearances on this list, the world clearly did not end.

8. Chasing Amy (1997)

In 1997 I sat in a movie theater with a relatively packed audience watching Chasing Amy, the most recent example at the time of Kevin Smith’s inability to make a decent movie. When the credits rolled, the audience began to cheer and applaud, making it clear that I was the only person in the theater who hated this movie. I was convinced the world was coming to an end.

Of course, the world did not end and, to prove it, Kevin Smith would go on to make seven more films—of which, I have watched none.

7. Dawson’s Creek: Season 3 (1999)

Following the end of Dawson’s Creek’s second season, Kevin Williamson, the creator and head writer, left to work on his burgeoning screenwriting career, leaving the show in good shape with a tension-filled sort-of-cliffhanger. Then the third season began. From Jen becoming a cheerleader and the gay dude playing football to that terrible actor from Hediwg and the Angry Inch being featured in way too many episodes, I knew, without a shadow of doubt, that the apocalypse was upon us.

But, as it turned out, the world did not end and Dawson’s Creek went on to complete three more seasons—of which, I’ve seen every episode (at least twice).

6. Steve Nash MVP (2005)

In 2005, a small, white, Canadian dude named Steve Nash, in a league full of superior African America athletes, was named the MVP of the NBA. Clearly, the world was coming to an end.

But, the following NBA season went on without a hitch, putting an ease to my apocalyptic fears.

5. Steve Nash MVP (2006)

In 2006, just as I was getting comfortable with the thought that the world wasn't coming to an end, Steve Nash won his second consecutive MVP award.

Moments after it was announced, I stocked up on bottled water and duct tape.

4. No Inko’s (2007)

In 2007 I got my first Costco membership. It was a glorious day, made better when I discovered Inko’s White Tea in the beverage aisle.

But when, upon my second shopping trip to Costco, I found they had stopped carrying my drink of choice, I could think only of how unbearable the suffering would be when the fire fell from the sky, ending us all.

3. Hulk Hogan and Brooke (2008)

I had quietly reconciled with Hulk Hogan after he made a brief return to the WWE (formerly the WWF) and all seemed right with the world. Then, it turned out he had, what appeared to be, a creepy relationship with his daughter, Brooke.

After seeing my childhood hero rubbing lotion on his daughter, I took my temporary blindness as a sign that the world had reached its expiration date.

2. Mo’Nique Wins Oscar (2010)

As one-named comedians go, Mo’Nique is arguably the least talented. And after she starred in Phat Girlz and Soul Plane, I was certain the market would bear this out.

But, in 2010, when Mo’Nique won the Academy Award for Best Actress in a Supporting Role for her performance in Precious, it was clear that, after years of false alarms, the apocalypse I had long feared had finally come.

1. Hulk Hogan and "Brooke" (2010)

I had only just barely recovered from the sight of Hulk Hogan lotioning his daughter, convincing myself that I was reading far too much into it, when news hit that the Hulkster™ had remarried.

This was good news, since, clearly, Hogan didn’t have inappropriate feelings for his little girl. When, however, I saw that Hogan’s new wife bore an uncomfortably close resemblance to Brooke Hogan, I knew that our days on this planet were numbered.

* * *

So, here we are on December 21, 2012, and the world is still here. If you're curious as to why, just ask NASA. Of course, if I'm wrong and the world did end, then there's going to be a lot of questions in need of answering; not the least of which, how in the world did you manage to read this retarded top 10 list?! Either way, this Mayan calendar nonsense wasn't the first doomed-to-fail-end-of-the-world-prediction and, as surely as Hulk Hogan is married to "Brooke," it won't be the last.

10 Questions for… Jake Aurelian

December 17, 2012

Jake Aurelian is an award-winning author with several books under his belt, most recently Living Well is the Best Revenge: D.B. Cooper & The G-Heist Gang & The Missing Two Million and We Leave With Our Guns Out!: A Festival of Photography and Fiction. Since graduating from the University of Illinois in 2000, Jake has since taught English and media at the college level, while also penning over 500 articles on pop culture.

Jake's collection of gritty, quirky short fiction, Dead Wrestlers, Broken Necks & The Women Who Screwed Me Over: A Main Event of Photography and Fiction was a Finalist in the 2012 Next Generation Indie Book Awards; it was also the Runner-Up in the 2012 Hollywood Book Festival.

It was because of the Hollywood Book Festival (which I was also taking part in) that Jake and I came to know each other. Being that we both grew up enamored with profesional wrestling, we got along like a couple of kids at recess. Without further ado, here are 10 questions for Jake Aurelian...

1. What would you like readers to know about Living Well is the Best Revenge: D.B. Cooper & The G-Heist Gang & The Missing Two Million?

'Living Well is the Best Revenge' is crime fiction told in a true crime/non-fiction style—the story of five criminals, a daring armored car heist and the subsequent search for the missing, pilfered money. I consider 'Living Well is the Best Revenge' to be my personal masterpiece; it allowed me to utilize the first-person narration in a rare way, taking it to a new and unexpected level.

2. What would you like readers to know about We Leave With Our Guns Out!: A Festival of Photography and Fiction?

For those who read my first collection of short fiction, 'Dead Wrestlers, Broken Necks & The Women Who Screwed Me Over: A Main Event of Photography and Fiction,' I believe 'We Leave With Our Guns Out!' serves as a makeshift sequel of sorts; for those unfamiliar with my work, 'We Leave With Our Guns Out!' stands on its own as an eclectic collection of short fiction (horror, war, sci-fi, literary, bad romance and crime) with a gritty, raw, hard-edged narrative and biting humor.

3. Who are some writers that have affected your storytelling sensibilities?

It may seem strange, but I really don’t have any specific fiction authors who served as writing influences. I always wanted to be a writer and I always wanted to discover my voice independently without any outside influence, so, unless I was being forced to read literature for, say, a college class, I avoided reading fiction. I wanted my voice to be distinct, unique and my own, and even subconsciously, I didn’t want any author’s style or voice to play a part in establishing my own. That said, I’ve always been an avid reader of non-fiction—history (Hollywood, Civil War, Russian), biographies (esoteric figures in history), true crime (Black Dahlia, Jack the Ripper)—and, more than any specific one author, the overall non-fiction genre has most influenced my fiction writing.

4. Professional wrestling tends to be a common theme in your fiction. Why is that?

Yes, pro wrestling, and pop culture in general, are common references in my work. Regarding pro wrestling, I think many of us who grew up in the 1980s and 90s certainly have, in some way or another, a soft spot for pro wrestling; there was an emotional connection between performer and viewer and something really special about that time period that hasn’t been duplicated. As a writer, I enjoy dropping pop culture references (be it pro wrestling or otherwise) into my texts. I believe such references make a connection with certain readers through the sharing of collective pasts.

5. What methods and strategies have you employed in order to promote both yourself as an author, as well as your books?

After writing and publishing a book, a new job begins—a beast called marketing, which has certainly been a learning experience for me. I reach out to local media, promote the books on my website, my Amazon author page, and the usual online tools, such as Facebook and GoodReads. I love the interaction with readers and receiving their feedback, and I am deeply touched and blessed with the support and positive feedback for my work.

6. Writing a book is such a complex exercise that I imagine no two authors do it exactly the same. Can you summarize your process for me?

I work in a meticulous fashion; when an idea is generated, I initially take a few notes and mill over the idea for weeks, sometimes months, before actually sitting down to write— and I write until completion. After a rough version of the story is finished, I always do extensive editing and re-writing (usually while working on additional pieces) before actually sending off to my editor. The writing process that occurred with my novel 'Living Well is the Best Revenge' was quite different because, unlike spending a few days on a short story, it was a lengthy piece written in a long, 30-day burst of creativity wherein I did little but write.

7. What drove you to write your latest book Living Well is the Best Revenge?

I conceived 'Living Well is the Best Revenge' in March of 2012 (during a road trip to a book signing) and took sporadic notes with the idea of writing the story at some point in the future. I had firm direction for the beginning and end with everything in between pretty iffy (I didn’t even have a title!). 'Living Well is the Best Revenge' certainly exemplifies my aforementioned love of non-fiction, and it was an absolute joy to write. The somewhat clichéd phrase “It wrote itself” certainly applies. The events, the quotes, the characters—everything—just flowed and fell together as if I were relaying factual events versus creating fictional ones. I’ve never encountered a writing experience such as this. It was a special period of my life.

8. Where do you see your writing career five years from now?

I don’t want to be rich or famous, I have no real desire for either, but I would like, in five years (if not sooner) to have my work accepted on the mainstream level and produce a steady income. Someone recently asked me: “Do you have a benefactor?” They was surprised when my answer was no. I have been dedicating my life—working full-time—to fulfill this dream. I live meagerly, sacrifice a lot (personally and professionally) and struggle at times without having a benefactor and/or extravagant dollar advance from a major publisher. I do all my own marketing, I fund all costs associated with my books, and therefore, it takes a while to make a profit.

9. What are you currently working on?

I’m currently working on an autobiography with a wrestling icon from the 1980s and 90s (who, for the purposes of privacy, I can't yet name). He's one of my childhood heroes, so this is unquestionably a dream come true and somewhat surreal. Helping this legendary performer publish the story of his unique and amazing life will be a true honor, and if someone told me as a child that I’d eventually be working with this guy, I would’ve never believed it. Likewise, I’ve had a few additional offers for co-authoring wrestling autobiographies, and, while at this point, I have no idea if my involvement in any of these books will ever come to fruition, simply being considered is special.

10. What advice would you give to an aspiring author who hopes to see their work published one day?

With a wide array of publishing tools currently available to aspiring authors, there is no better time for writers to pursue publishing. The stigma of self-publishing is gone, and there is most certainly a market for independent authors to find and build an audience. But, with that said, with so many others competing for attention along with the marketing, it’s not going to be easy. Take your product seriously and professionally, and stay strong during the frustrating times. If you have the love of the written word engrained in your soul, never surrender those dreams, despite the proverbial roadblocks. Never allow the criticism or negativity of others regarding your writing or chosen career path to dissuade you from pursuing what you love.

I’d like to thank Jake Aurelian for spending some time here on Inside Martin. If you’d like to learn more about Jake and his work, check out his website Pinfalls. You can also connect with Jake on Twitter and GoodReads. Buy Jake's books on Amazon:

Mortality

December 15, 2012

Christopher Hitchens died a year ago on December 15, 2011, after suffering from esophageal cancer. He fought the disease off for over a year, before succumbing to his inevitable fate—the same fate that awaits all of us. It's no fun to think about, yet Hitchens, a brilliant writer and thinker, did that and more.

He spent his final months writing about the process of facing death; the essays that came from his writing have been posthumously published into a poignant memoir called Mortality.

"It's normally agreed that the question 'How are you today?' doesn't put you on your oath to give a full or honest answer. So when asked these days, I tend to say something cryptic like, 'A bit early to say.' (If it's the wonderful staff at my oncology clinic who inquire, I sometimes go so far as to respond, 'I seem to have cancer today.')"

-Christopher Hitchens, Mortality

I don't think it's a stretch to say one of my great regrets is I'll never have an opportunity to meet Hitchens in person, especially since I feel like I've come to know him so well these past few years. He was smug in a charming sort of way. He had a robust air of confidence about him, palpable through the TV screen. His confidence, it seemed, was fueled by his intellect. He was a man who knew things—a lot of things. And, of course, he was a man who knew he knew things, which for some might of made him insufferable, but, for me, made him completely engaging.

He first came to my attention when he was a panelist on Real Time with Bill Maher. I forget the exact year, but I know it was nearly a decade ago, as he was speaking favorably of President George W. Bush's decision to go to war in Iraq. I assumed that, since I didn't agree with America going to war in Iraq, I wouldn't agree with anything else Hitchens had to say. It was a knee-jerk reaction; one, it seems, most Americans have about anybody who holds opinions contrary to their own. But, as Hitchens spoke, it became clear to me that he was thoughtful, highly intelligent, and had intellectually grounded reasons for believing what he did. I appreciated that about him.

I don't remember anything else he talked about that night; I do, however, remember liking him a great deal. After that, I started noticing Hitchens everywhere, from cable news programs to the shelves of Barnes & Noble. I picked up his book God is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything. Hitchens, if you weren't already aware, was one of the worlds most well-known and outspoken atheists.

The title of the book itself was indicative of Hitchens spirit, which was to speak in plain and unapologetic language about issues that most folks feel a need to tiptoe around. And, of course, when reading the book, I came to find exactly what I expected: thoughtful and intellectual prose about a topic in which Hitchens was exceedingly informed, more so than most of the people who would assume him to be wrong.

In Mortality, Hitchens spends a fair amount of time reflecting on matters of religion and how they intersect with matters of death. He shares an entry from an unamed website in which the messenger writes: "Who else feels Christopher Hitchens getting terminal throat cancer [sic] was God's revenge for him using his voice to blaspheme him?" It goes on to say that Hitchens would "writhe in agony and pain and wither away to nothing and then die a horrible agonizing death, and THEN comes the real fun, when he's sent to HELLFIRE forever to be tortured and set afire." While I wasn't there when Hitchens first read these remarks, I like to imagine that, rather than feeling hurt by them, they provided a source of amusement. Hitchens was well-versed in all the major religions, having studied them on the page and engaging with them all around the world.

"[W]ould this anonymous author want his views to be read by my unoffending children, who are also being given a hard time in their way, and by the same god? [And] why not a thunderbolt for yours truly, or something similarly awe-inspiring? The vengeful deity has a sadly depleted arsenal if all he can think of is exactly the cancer that my age and former 'lifestyle' would suggest that I got. [And] why cancer at all? Almost all men get cancer of the prostate if they live long enough: It's an undignified thing but quite evenly distributed among saints and sinners, believers and unbelievers. If you maintain that god awards the appropriate cancers, you must also account for the numbers of infants who contract leukemia. Devout persons have died young and in pain."

-Christopher Hitchens, Mortality

As I read Mortality, I was continuously struck by the realization that the vibrant voice on the page, buzzing with life as it did, came from a man who had not lived long enough to see his book published. And, more than that, the words on the page came from a man who, while facing death, was still holding out hope that he might survive his disease. In fact, some of the more bittersweet passages in the book are when Hitchens writes about encouraging doctor visits and experimental treatments; as he was writing, he didn't yet know that the encouragement of those visits would be short lived, that the treatments would ultimately be for naught.

Even in these thoughts, weighted as they are with sadness, I'm brightened by the inherit optimism of their promise. While Christopher Hitchens' body was mortal, his words are quite the opposite. One of the great reliefs I felt upon publishing my first book, Inside the Outside, was that my words would now live long after I died. In my fervent effort to complete my novel, I was constantly pressed by the morbid thought of dying before having an opportunity to complete it. So, for me, reading Mortality was something of an affirmation, a testament to the death-defying nature of our words.

While we never met, I will always consider Christopher Hitchens a friend, so long as his prose rests on my shelves. And whenever I care to speak with my pal Hitch, I need only to turn the page and say hello.

Vampire Influence on Television (GUEST POST)

December 12, 2012

Cami Hadley is a freelance lifestyle writer with a passion for film, fashion, home decor, entertainment and the technology that simplifies her life. She left her entertainment law practice in 2007 to spend more time with the true loves of her life: her family. Cami's a proud wife and mom of two children, two dogs, one cat and a goldfish.

Vampire Influence on Television

By Cami Hadley

With the box office still buzzing from the latest (and final) installment of The Twilight Saga and the TV brimming with vampire-related TV series, it may seem like vampire-mania is a recent development. However, fascination with the mythology and legend of vampirism has long been a staple of western culture, especially when it comes to television.

Vampire Flashback

You may or may not recall the popular late-‘60s/early-‘70s TV series Dark Shadows. This vamp-centric soap opera ran from 1966-71 on ABC and was briefly revived in 1991 before NBC cancelled it. Johnny Depp was a big fan of the show and recently played the main vampire, Barnabas Collins, in 2012 film adaptation of Dark Shadows directed by Tim Burton.

A ’90s Resurgence

Perhaps, 1991 was too soon to revive Dark Shadows. Fast-forward six years to the debut of the TV series Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997-2003), and you’ll see TV audiences enthralled in the story of a high school cheerleader delving into a supernatural world to fight forces of evil and repeatedly save the planet. Buffy’s wild success was followed by a spinoff series, Angel (1999-2004), in which the vampire is the hero and battles demons and their human allies to assuage his guilt over his own past sins. One might argue that these two series inspired and set the stage for the popularity of the Twilight franchise of novels (first published in 2005) and movies (which debuted in 2008).

Carrying the Torch

Today, several TV series continue the vampiric TV legacy forged by Dark Shadows and revived by Buffy. True Blood, has aired on HBO since 2008 and been the center of much controversy among fans of the Sookie Stackhouse novels upon which the TV series is (some would argue, loosely) based. Being Human is a popular BBC series that follows the struggles of roommates who happen to be a vampire, a ghost and a werewolf. The CW didn’t want to miss out on the public’s renewed fascination with the undead and launched The Vampire Diaries in 2009.

Spotting a pattern? Vampires on TV never really die. You can always count on them to come back for more.

The Plan: A Short Short Story

December 10, 2012

Way back in 2004, I began working on my first novel. It was a terrifying prospect, since I'd no idea how to write one. It seemed like the next logical step to take in my writing journey, however, since I'd been studying creative writing as an English major at Cal State San Bernardino, while also writing several short stories. In the summer of that same year, I was invited to attend the Squaw Valley Community of Writers annual fiction workshop.

This was terribly exciting, as two years earlier I'd been placed on the waiting list for an invite, before not getting in. Squaw Valley has a great tradition of helping along the careers of some terrific writers—among them, Michael Chabon, Janet Fitch, and Amy Tan. So, as you might imagine, I was over the moon. During my week-long stay at Squaw Valley, I met a literary agent who'd founded one of those fancy New York agencies most aspiring writers know about. He took a liking to me and asked if I was working on anything. I told him I was writing my first novel, before proceeding to give, perhaps, the worst book pitch in the history of all humanity.

The agent was kind and patient and, when I mercifully cut myself off, he asked me to send him the book when it was done. He also told me not to rush. So, of course, as soon as I got home, I started working like mad, rushing my maiden novel into existence. I sat in my room, isolated from the world, and wrote and wrote and wrote for hours at a time. I was making great headway, when I came across a writing contest being hosted by the Inland Empire Branch of the California Writers Club. The contest included a category for short fiction and the prize was $150.

I was feeling awfully good after my week at Squaw Valley and, as a poor college student, that $150 prize sounded nice, so I decided to take a break from my novel to write a story for the contest. The theme of the contest was "Secrets," so I came up with a simple story about a boy and a girl, teenagers each of them. They were making plans for their future, only one of them was keeping their plans a secret.

The story was semi-inspired by Ernest Hemingway's short story "Hills Like White Elephants," which was about a man and a woman having an ambiguous conversation outside of a train station; the conversation itself, it's been argued, involves the man trying to convince the woman to have an abortion. The conversation in "Hills Like White Elephants" is cryptic and nowhere in the story is it ever explicitly stated that the woman is pregnant. I liked that idea, so I wanted to write a story where a guy and girl were having an important conversation, without ever explicitly stating what they were talking about.

I was also inspired by Kate Chopin's short story "The Story of an Hour," which is about a woman who is thrilled to learn of her husbands death in a train accident, as it means she will be liberated from him; when he returns home that same day, revealing the news of his death to be a mistake, the wife suddenly dies.

"The Story of an Hour" is very short, but packs a huge emotional punch. I'd always been taken with Chopin's ability to pack such a huge emotional impact into such a short, short story, so this also became one of my goals. After three days of writing, I finished a 900 word short story called "The Plan."

I sent if off to the IECWC and got back to work on my novel. A few months later, I heard back from them and found out that "The Plan" had won first place.

In the weeks before I won the IECWC's contest, I'd finished that first novel I was working on. After rushing it off to the agent whom I'd met at Squaw Valley, I waited for two months, before hearing back. The agent responded with a letter—which I received on my birthday—rejecting my novel.

So, "The Plan," which was only ever meant to be a brief interlude in the completion of my first novel, became the only writing of consequence I did that summer. The novel in question, to this day, has yet to see the light of day. "The Plan," however, not only became the first piece of writing I'd ever earned money for, but now, thanks to Exciting Press, is getting a second shot at life.

In November of 2012, Exciting Press published "The Plan: A Short Short Story" and I couldn't be happier about it.

Eat My Stardust! (CRITICIDE)

December 3, 2012

In 2007, I started writing for 'Criticide,' a blog which aimed to turn the tables on film critics by reviewing film reviews. On Wednesday, August 15, 2007 (under the pseudonym Kid Licorice), I published "Eat My Stardust!" Enjoy...

Hello and welcome to the Criticide debut of your man, the undisputed champion of the people, Kid Licorice (K-Lic if it pleases you… but, under the advice of my lawyer, Kid Lic will henceforth be dismissed from the Kid Licorice lexicon). For my opening act here at Criticide, I’ve decided to reflect on the most recent in a long line of fantasy novel adaptations: Stardust.

And when I want to know anything about the mythology of fairytales, the wonder of fallen stars or the particulars of skull crackin' racism, I go to the source: Boston. While I’ve never been to Boston myself, thanks to the magic of cinema, I know as much as I’ll ever need to know about it (thanks again Good Will Hunting!).

The Boston Globe is where I’ve set my sights and the pen of Wesley Morris is where I shall begin (yes, the same Wesley Morris who played Guy #1 and Rasta Dude in two episodes of Dawson's Creek). Getting started at the beginning, here is the opening stanza of Mr. Morris’ Stardust review:

“Any movie that has Claire Danes playing a fallen star sounds too painful for words. The irony! ‘Terminator 3,’ ‘Stage Beauty,’ ‘The Family Stone,’ ‘Evening’: Neither her luminousness nor her intelligence has been put to particularly thrilling use. They haven’t, really, since she blazed through Baz Luhrmann’s ‘Romeo + Juliet.’ For her sake, I'm embarrassed to remember how long ago that was. At this point even she seems over herself. The expression she wears in ‘Stardust,’ a romantic science-fiction fantasy with her as the aforementioned fallen star, breaks your heart. It seems stuck between a grimace and a cringe: It’s the face of a maiden caught taking out the garbage.”

An entire paragraph dedicated to cutting down Claire Danes at the knees? Even if your criticism of Miss Danes’ career is valid, Mr. Morris (and, please, don’t look for ol’ Kid Licorice to validate your poisonous prose), you still broke the bounds of context by only begrudgingly mentioning the film for which your article promised to review.

And even then, you take the opportunity to give Miss Danes one last shove, insuring her place under the bus. But it doesn't stop with her:

“This movie also happens to have parts for Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert De Niro, Peter O’Toole, Sienna Miller, Ricky Gervais, and others. So ‘Stardust’ is not just a nadir for Danes. It stinks for almost everybody. But Danes is the one person who seems to show it.”

Now, Wesley, I’m not ashamed to admit, I had to look up the word “nadir,” so kudos to you and your superior thesaurus. According to Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary, "nadir" means either:

1: the point of the celestial sphere that is directly opposite the zenith and vertically downward from the observer

2: the lowest point

Because I didn’t have time to look up the word “zenith,” I’m going to assume your use of "nadir" refers to the second option, in which case, you, Wesley Morris, have just declared “the lowest point” in the careers of, among others, Robert De Niro and Peter O’Toole.

Wow.

The depth of your nerve, sir, is surrpassed only by the size of your balls.

Oh, but wait. I'm not being fair. You do take a moment to praise the work of Mr. De Niro:

“The movie goes right exactly once: When De Niro shows up as a closet-case pirate for a series of daylight sequences aboard his floating ship. If ever there was an occasion for him to fax in a note saying the dog ate my performance, this would be it. But surrounded by the exuberant bunch of actors playing his crew, De Niro makes a macho-hammy-swishy mess of himself.”

Backhanded though it may be, it appears you’ve chosen to err on the side of respect by giving Mr. De Niro his just due. If only you had stopped there:

“He’s terrible, but he’s having, well, a gay old time.”

Funny, I was just thinking the same thing about you.

* * *

Check out Stardust for yourself: